Are You Kidding Me? More Questions: HIV, Sex and Dating

Here we go again. Remember the friend of a friend who felt that I was not being forthright about my dating life before I discovered that I was HIV positive? Remember she says, “My point is there are still major gaps in what she chooses to disclose and reflect on.” I told her to bring on the questions and I’d answer them as best as I can. While I felt some of the questions were none of her business. I also felt as if I had to do this. I choose to make my life public and I see this as a teaching moment. Some of the questions have already been addressed publicly, but she has never heard me speak and I realize that there may be some more of my readers in her shoes.  So here ya go... More questions...

She doesn't talk about her partner at the time:
There are many reasons that I have not talked publicly about the person I believe to have infected me with HIV. For one, I guarded his privacy and in some ways mine. (I talk about the reasons in my book.) But most important, I just wasn't emotionally at a place where I wanted to share many of the details. However, when I was writing my memoir for Hyperion Publishers, I had to face this head on. As part of the book deal, I had to explore the intimate details of my relationship with him, which I did. Thoroughly! I left no stone unturned! For Real...

How long were they together?
We were together for four months. I moved out of town for a job. And that job required a lot of travel and the distance ended the relationship.

What kind of relationship did they have?
I’m not sure the root of this question. Like, was it a one night stand?  Is that what’s really being asked? NEVER!!! It was not casual in my eyes. He was the only person that I was seeing at the time. In my memoir I talk about this pretty extensively.

How did they meet? 
Ahhh... We met at this private party that was very chic and upscale. And he was a freaking catch!! For Real.... So I thought and so did every other woman in the room.

What type of man was he, was he using drugs, gay, bisexual, etc.?
I also wondered why this answer is important. What does it really matter at the end of the day. He still infected me and who he was will not change that fact. But hey, I’m a trouper, let's go there.

First: He was one of the most handsomest African-American men I have ever known.
Second: He was a millionaire.
Third: He was very accomplished.
Fourth: He was one of the sharpest dressers I have ever known.
Fifth: He was brilliant. OMG! He could talk to you about any subject, any time and any place. That's one of the things I loved most about him. We would talk for hours and hours.

Drugs: I had never seen him use drugs.

Gay/Bisexual: I had never seen him with another man nor has his reputation in all these years suggested that he was anything other than heterosexual. If you want to know how he became infected? I have no idea....

At the end of the day, it does not matter for either of us. AIDS took his life and, unless I get hit by a truck, it will do the same to me. All I can do now is accept that I made a choice to have sex and that has left me fighting for my life, for the rest of my life. Like with most women infected through heterosexual contact, what we thought we knew is often derailed by our HIV status. The only thing that will keep a woman safe from HIV is either no sex or sex with a condom. It does not really matter to me who or what he was because it can never change the fact that he infected me and I had a choice.

By the way, 30% of all newly diagnosed cases of HIV are people infected by people who didn't know their HIV status. Getting tested will go a long way in HIV prevention. For Real... For Real...

Post Script: Yes, I have a Healthy Vagina! Part Three is coming next week. I promise. I was on the road speaking and didn't have the time to sit down and really give it all that it required.