Pretty Woman Syndrome

If the penis ain't in your pocket you have know idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. This is a fact. Yet women continue to behave as if they have a crystal ball that knows all and tells all about a relationship. Yes, in an ideal world a monogamous relationship and even a marriage should stand on it’s own. But many of us know that this is not always the case. We all have a story of some sort about a man who was with two women at the same time. Yet we live in this fairy tale world that I call the “Pretty Woman Syndrome.”

You all know the story. It is one of my favorite chick flicks. But what man picks up a woman on prostitution row and marries her at the end of the week? Highly unlikely in the real world. But yet we all cling to that hope of being swiped off our feet by the rich gent. As a result, we live in some make-believe world that puts us at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. And let's not forget the broken heart and spirit that also tags along. We are paralyzed by the “Pretty Woman Syndrome.” I’ve heard it over and over, “My relationship ain’t like that. My man isn’t like that.” You don’t know what your man is like! You think you know, but at the end of the day, you really don't know. All you know is what he tells you and what you can see.

I've been watching the Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz story unfold. And many women are blaming Alicia for wrecking a home. Of course she is the most likely villian as the story unfolds. We also saw it with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

It looked like these “bad girls” just walked in and took them a man. But that is also unlikely in the real world. In the real world, relationships look one way to the public and another in private. We have no idea what happened in either of these relationships if the truth be told. All we really know is the end result. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, that's for God to say.

What I’m talking about is women making smart choices about their life and body, regardless of what men do. Stop blaming other women for the failure of your relationship. The chances are, things were not as great as those on the outside looking in believed in the beginning. Even you saw the signs and ignored them. Yet again paralyzed by the “Pretty Woman Syndrome."

I remember talking to a woman newly diagnosed with HIV. Her long term boyfriend had a high powered job that keep him on the road and at the center of the rich and famous. I asked, “Why didn't you use a condom with him?” I mean I didn't understand. He spent more of his time away then at home. I paused and asked, “Did you think your pussy was made from gold? You had it like that?” She took a deep breath and said, “Honestly, yes.” In the beginning they used condoms but the longer they were together, the more comfortable she felt. Believing that the love and longevity of their relationship would keep her safe. Now like me and many other women, she is fighting for her life for the rest of her life.

Yes, we need to stop blaming others and take control over our bodies. A young man asked me one day, “Would you forgive the person who infected you?” I told him, it’s not about me forgiving him, it’s about me forgiving me. I had a choice to have sex or to not have sex. To have sex with a condom or without. I have to take ownership to how I treated my own body. You have all the power in the palm of your hand, why surrender it? I have a friend whose husband was in a relationship outside of their marriage. It devastated her, but she decided to stay. I respected her choice. Again, you don’t really know what's happening in someone else’s relationship. People kill me thinking they know the real deal. *SMH* So I helped my girlfriend rebuild herself, as they rebuilt their relationship. Her choice to stay was her own, but she stayed grounded in reality. I was proud. She told her husband that they both had to get tested for HIV and that he had to use condoms and regain her trust again. It took years to rebuild it again. That’s real. Only in the movies do things resolve themselves in a week. Typically, we must make behavior changes and work constantly at it.

What’s my bottom line? Stop living in the ”Pretty Woman Syndrome.” No man is going to rescue you. No man is going to love you more than you love yourself. Self love is the key to your wholeness: mind, body and spirit. AIDS is a reality. For African-Americans it has set up camp in the middle of our community and it has no intention of leaving. It is up to us to put his ass out. What am I saying? We can change this tide one woman at a time. This means that you must demand that your partner use a condom 100% of the time. If your man does not want to respect your choice about your body, then my question to you is, “Why would you be with a man who does not respect the choices you make about your body?”

Married woman: Well, you must also find the power from within just like my girlfriend. Not all married men step outside of their marriage, but for those who do, you must renegotiate the relationship on terms that put you first.

Single women: Stop talking about how long you've been with a man and how much he loves you and using that as your rationale for not using a condom. If he loved you that much then he would stop wasting your pretty and marry you. But most important, if you loved you more than you loved him, then you would stop wasting your pretty.