Monday Reflection: Live In Today Not Yesterday!

Sitting at home drinking some tea I started to think about my life eight years ago, right around this time of the year my doctor told me that there were no new HIV medications to treat me. My current antiviral cocktail was failing and I had developed a resistance to everything that was currently on the market. We could see clinically that my body was no longer responding to the current medication. There was a slow drop in my T-cell and a rise in my viral load. And it seemed like all hope was gone.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was just weeks from my graduation from seminary and I was planning to enter a PhD program that fall, but now I was doubting whether or not I could cut it. That day I was overwhelmed with sadness. I went back to school and sat through my classes and when I was done for the day, I hopped in my car and went straight to Ghirardelli Ice Cream Shop off Michigan Ave. I didn't have any answers, but I knew that a hot fudge sundae would make me feel better, if just for a little while.

As I walked into the store, I noticed this very attractive, petite Black woman sitting at the counter. She was very well dressed and sitting in her lap was an Hermes Birkin Bag, and a 40 inch no less! My dream handbag. So me being me, I walked straight up to this woman and said, "Hi, my name is Rae and I've never seen a Black woman with an Hermes Birkin Bag." She smiled very graciously, reached out her hand and said, "Hi, my name is Cathleen, have a sit." 

We got our sundaes and sat on the patio in front of Ghirardelli's. As we sat there making small talk Cathleen asked me what was wrong? She had no idea who I was, which was refreshing, but she sensed something was deeply wrong.

I sat there and spilled my guts to this stranger over a hot fudge sundae. She listened without interrupting. And when I was done, she said to me, "You cannot worry about tomorrow, you must live for today." That day, this stranger, who has become my friend, almost 20 years my senior, she's more like a tough love mother, gave me some of the best advice I had ever received. She didn't try to tell me it was going to be ok, she didn't have a crystal ball nor did she try to pretend that she had the answers.

I love that about Cathleen. She's probably one of the most pragmatic persons I have ever known, even more than me. Now, six days from my birthday, looking back, it was the best advice ever! I mean, I'm still here eight years later. And what I was worried about that day actually has had very little impact on my life in these eight years and what I hadn't even considered has had the greatest impact. In the end, I was worried about the wrong thing and my worrying couldn't change either.

I started school but it was interrupted, not because of lack of treatment for HIV medication, some new medications eventually came and turned things around. But then while my health was having a clear up shift, I began to have what seemed like from nowhere, an opportunistic infection (drug resistant herpes) which has had a major impact on my health and has changed my life drastically. Three hospitalizations and nine rounds of IV medication is no joke. It has altered my life in ways I could have never imagined.

Sometimes we make our own burden heavy by putting the emphasis on the wrong thing. None of us knows what the future holds. Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. Each new day is full of possibilities. And sometimes we bring yesterday's burden into the new day. Let the resolutions of yesterday stay where they belong. I heard Bishop Jakes say once, "When someone leaves our life, let them stay gone, we create our own pain and stress trying to hold on to what has already left."

Stop adding stress to your life today for yesterday's loss. And this isn't just about relationships, it's about health, careers and everything in your life. Don't get stuck in yesterday! Don't worry today about tomorrow... Take each new day as it comes, with fresh possibilities. And by doing so, you will eliminate unnecessary pain and stress which will give you even more clarity and strength to deal with the right now in your life. Tomorrow is gone and will never return. Let it go and live in today!

Birkin Bag!

Post Script: And school, well I've been on a long leave of absence both sanctioned and ummm, unsanctioned... and honestly, I can't get stressed about whether they will let me finish the program or not. All I can do is ask and all they can say is yes or no. And if it's a no, well, I can't do anything about it any how.

And I've come to a place in my life where I can't stress about what I have no control over. I've got to keep my energy for the things I can control.

And that Birkin Bag... Well I'm not gonna worry about that today either... I'm sure that it's in my future... But today I can't get stuck worrying about when... I'll just wait and celebrate it then!!