I Got Your Whore....

I was in a deep sleep when I heard a male's voice say, "You fucking whore," and then a door slammed. It was coming from the girls apartment over me. I started thinking and couldn't stop.

There's no way at 50 years of age that a man can lay in my bed and then get so fucking mad with me that he calls me a whore and storms out of my house. Especially not at 3:00 A.M, after I have given him my innermost self.

Whatever it is, if we can't talk about it like adults then we can't talk at all. I can't be mad at something you're said or done and then talk to you like shit, or shut down on you and not talk to you; not answer your calls or your text. Which by the way, is the same thing as treating you like shit; and another level of emotional abuse.

 Adults should be able to agree to disagree but most of all, if we really care about each other, we should be able to talk about it with mutual respect. How do you say you love someone then don't talk to them? How can you grow and heal if you don't talk? How can someone know how to be better to you if you don't tell them what hurts you? It's crazy, we will tell a person how to give us the ultimate sexual pleasure, but not the ultimate emotional pleasure?

For sure, a man calling you a whore is a level of emotional abuse that seeps into the very core of your soul. You can't see the scares like when he hits you, but they remain deep within you, chipping away at your self worth.

I was so proud of her when he came back 20 minutes later and laid on her doorbell. She didn't let him back in. I don't know what was going through her head at that moment, only mind. And mine said, "Get a fucking life other than me! I got your whore." We teach people how to treat us! And for sure if they do it once, they will do it again. But this understanding didn't come over night. I had to learn it through the school of hard knocks.

I'm not gonna sit here at 4:45 in the morning and pretend I've been this self-esteem/self-love guru all my life. In my 20's I would have opened that door and then put some lovin on him he would never forget. It took years to learn that fuckin a man crazy won't make him love you, nor treat you with the respect you deserve.

Can I talk to some real people today? For Real!! Sex ain't love and just because the lovin is good don't mean that they love you or will love you. It took years for me to get that lesson too. But I got it and I have no desire to journey back into my past. Knowing better and doing better are two different things that don't always come together.

Often times our desire to be loved over powers self love. The shit we take just to have a man is beyond my understanding. The shit we do to see if he's faithful to us is beyond my understanding. This is for real. we have done some crazy shit, me included. I have no idea why I allowed myself to get caught in the madness. I done it all! I mean all! Search his house, listen to his voice mail, sneak by his house in the middle of the night and I didn't even drive back then. In the days before emails and cell phones you had to be creative to spy. it was madness at its best!

But by the time emails and cell phones had come around I was starting to love me more then wanting to be love. I refuse to troll your facebook and twitter pages. I refuse to debase myself to have any man in my life. If you don't know my worth, then you ain't worth me. Fuck YOU!! I'll be by myself forever and fuck myself rather than be fucked over! I like me and I like being with me! While companionship is always nice, and the feel of a man next to me is wonderful, I'm not one track or one dimensional.

There is nothing like a good book or a great meal and I can do both of them by my damn self. I so enjoyed myself last night at the World of Chocolate event for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago. Who knew that you could get such a high talking to strangers and eating chocolate.

We give up to much of ourselves to have someone in our life. If you can just learn to love you and hold onto you, then someone will love and hold onto you. For sure, it starts from within and steams outward. When I think about all the emotional abuse I took from men just to have a man.

When I think about how much of me that I gave away trying to get something; When I think about all the wear and tear that comes with being in and out of relationships looking for the right Mr. Right; When I think about how I wasted the best of me..... When I think about it all, I know that enough is a enough. I plan to hold onto the rest of me for me. So yeah, I got your whore, and she don't live here anymore...