But sometimes the going down is so hard that the coming back up is even harder. Can I talk to some real folks? This life can be a bitch with a capital B! For Real.. For Real... And there ain't a positive thinking quote that can make it better and the best scriptures go in one ear and come right out the other.
And all those people who want you to be better like right now, only takes you into to a deeper depression. They want a miracle for you and there becomes a guilt within because you can't deliver what they want at that moment in time. The bounce back seems so far away, if not impossible. Yet deep in your heart you know that its possible; the bounce back that is.
That's been my life lately. Life has been a bitch with a capital B and just when I think I'm about to pull it together, I get hit again and then again and the bounce back seems to get further and further away. And the further away the bounce back gets the deeper the depression becomes.
Can I talk to some real folks, with some real life issues? Depression is real for people living with HIV/AIDS. Bullshit ain't nothing! No matter how well put together I am when I face the public, there are no clothes or makeup that can take away the emotional pain, and even the physical chaos that I live with daily.
Yes, I do have to deal with the same stuff everyone else deals with, like disappointment and hurt, but I have that extra, i. e. HIV/AIDS and that Bitch is extra extra...
I'm always amazed at the HIV infected person that says HIV changed their life for the better. I wonder what pills they are taking because there ain't shit about HIV that made my life better
I had a life and career before HIV/AIDS. That's for real. I didn't stop using drugs and alcohol when I learned my status because I didn't drink or do drugs before I became infected. And hell naw, HIV didn't stop me from lovin men or wanting men to love me. Nor did it stop me from fucking. My journey and healing with men would have happened with or without HIV in my own time and space.
So when I say there's not a damn thing great about having this disease I mean that shit. Yes, I am LIVING! Yes, you can LIVE with HIV! But this bitch ain't easy or cute. It adds a burden beyond explanation. There is nothing I can truly say to make you understand the magnitude of this journey.
Yes, I've made the best out of my situation. Yes, God has blessed me in my mess. I won't deny either of these things. But when a cold every normal person has, becomes a major production in my life, I know that I know, ain't nothin easy about HIV/AIDS. When disappointment and betrayal happens in my life and the stress from it lands me on IV medication for 19 days, I know that I know ain't nothin easy about HIV/AIDS. When I wake up after 12 hours of sleep and it feels like I haven't been to sleep at all, I know that I know, ain't nothing easy about HIV/AIDS. When nerve pain becomes my constant companion, I know that I know, ain't nothin easy about HIV/AIDS. But when all this happens within a two month time, I know for sure this bitch is a motherfucker to contend with; and honestly it all gets the best of me sometimes.
People want me to be "normal" and I want to be "normal" too. But there is nothing "normal about living with HIV/AIDS. I want to be that STRONG black woman all the time. I want to be that SUPER Bitch people expect of me. But honestly, when I have diarrhea in a restaurant after dinner more often than not, the truth is, all I want to do is crawl into my bed and stay there for the rest of my life. This shit is so hard sometimes, I just want to quit!
This is some real talk right now! And don't be confuse, I don't have to kill myself, all I have to do is stop taking my medication and watch myself slowly die a horrible death. That's for real. Don't get it twisted, I have advance AIDS and those 15 pills a day are my life line.
But for as much as I want to quit, I also want to see how remarkable God is! Yep, I continue to endure the madness because I know somewhere in it all, God is going to do the impossible. I say often, just keep living and watch God blow your mind. So my desire to see the wonder of God, becomes the motivation for me to bounce back. Yep, it's that simple; I want to see what the end is going to be! I know what my right now is, but I have no idea what tomorrow will be. God has already done some awesome stuff for me and through me for the goodness of others and I want to see more of His wonder.
The 1962 Bracelet Is Coming! |
They say some of our most creative people went through bouts of depression from composers to artist. So like many other creative people, in my darkness I make a way for the light to shine bright. It shines bright on the wrist of each person who wears my designs; and watching God grow RLT Collection one bracelet and one customer at a time, is more than enough to bounce back.
For every damn good reason I want to quit life, there is a pretty damn good reason to live in my life, so I find the way to bounce back and see what the end is going to be.
What I know for sure is simple: Keep bouncing back, no matter how hard the drop and watch God blow your mind on the way up!