RLT Reads: Summer Book Picks!

The summer has finally arrived and many of you will be vacationing and looking for a book to take on your trip. Me myself, well I'll be at my regular, that is, reading every evening to relax and clear my head.

I love reading and thats a fact. When I read, I allow someone else's imagination to take me on a journey. It's a place where I never think about my life with AIDS. It's a safe place away from my pain.

There is nothing like a good book so I wanted to share my summer picks with you! First off, are some of my favorite authors.  I was devastated when Walter Mosley killed off Easy Rawlins, his swanky private detective centered in Los Angles from the time span after War World Two through the 50's-60's. Mystery is one of my favorite genre's and I was a late comer to Walter Mosley, but once I started I couldn't put him down. He just released his latest, Little Green! I can wait to pick it up!

Next is an author that is one of the greatest writers of my era. When I tell you his first two books, A Thousand Splendid Suns and Kite Runner were magnificently written, I mean it! I have placed A Thousand Splendid Suns in the top 5 books that I have ever read. Well, Khaled Hosseini is at it yet again, he recently released And The Mountains Echoed.  His books are heavy and complex so be prepared.

When I learned that this next book was being released I was overjoyed. When I tell you that The Devil Wears Prada was one of my great reads, it was. I laughed and got mad all in the same page and thats a good read! Well, Lauren Weisberger has released, Revenge Wears Prada and it is a must read for the fans of The Devil Wears Prada. I'm hopeful that it will be equally as fun as the first. I consider this a light read.

I also though that I would step out of my comfort zone for a change. Since I've been on Good Reads, I've learned about so many authors. I'm in a book club that reads books by people of color and these are some of their reads and while, I'm behind, I certainly plan to read them all this summer.

First up is an author whose name has been dropped by me on many occasions. I have been planning to read Nigerian born, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie,  first book Half of a Yellow Sun. After reading Little Bee, it was highly recommended to have an African perspective of the Nigerian civil war. Well, she has released a new book this summer that has gotten great reviews. Americanah is about living in America and being African and the difference that means from being African-American. As soon as I finish reading Eric Jerome Dickey's Waking With Enemies ( A Girl Has Got To Have a Little Fun)  I'm going to Americanah. Both of  Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie books are on my summer read list, Half of a Yellow Sun and Americanah.

Ghana Must Go, by Taiyle Selasi is up next. Taiyle, is a London born African who was raised in the United States. Ghana Must Go is a narrative that explores the modern African family and the importance of where we come from to who we are. This novel takes us from Accra, to Lagos to London to New York.  "Ghana Must Go teaches us that the truth we speak can heel the wounds we hide."

Last but not least is. The Garden of Evening Mists by Tan Twan Eng.  A Penang born author who was raised in Malaysia. The Garden of Evening Mists is his second novel. This book main character is a young woman Malaya and centered in 1951. Malaya is the long survivor of a Japanese wartime camp who seeks solace among the jungle-fringed tea plantations of Cameron Highlands.
O. K., so you know that the main character finding refugee in a tea planation had me hooked, line and sinker. I can't wait to read this book.

Well, this is my summer reading list. Now you know, Ill be reading others in between these. I always try to pick up something light after a heavy read. For sure, I'll be reviewing all of my summer reads! Happy Reading!!!

Living In The Light and Darkness of Life...

Two days ago I wanted to blog about living life to the fullest! Yep, I still have dreams at 51 having lived over half my life with HIV. Then, this morning when I woke, I wanted to blog about drowning, that is, feeling like you're drowning in the shit called life.

Then, as I laid in bed trying to face another day with another headache from one of my HIV medications, of which I've had for the last 3 days, I started thinking about how one can have so many emotions wrapped up into one being, one existence. But that's how life is, a lot of grey and the black and white tend to be that, two very different shades that renders two very different outlooks. Even when you wear all white or all black, they do different things and both speak volumes with just one look.

So how does one live with purpose and dreams when it feels like you're drowning in shit? I tell you how, one day at a time and even sometimes by the hour and minute. Like yesterday, I was so overwhelmed; overwhelmed with the fact that my head won't stop hurting. Days like that make me hate HIV medication.

Overwhelmed with the fact I feel like I'm sleep deprived, but yet I've had at least 9-10 hours every night this week. Days like that I hate HIV. 

Overwhelmed with the fact that I've invested everything I have into RLT Collection and I mean every penny, even to the point of reducing my life style luxuries, like I turned my cable off. Yep, I thought what's the point when I'm always reading anyway and I typically get all of my breaking news from Twitter new's feeds so I turned it off last week. But for sure, I miss the luxury of turning on TNT and watching Law and Order whenever I want too.

I stopped my Sunday New York Times delivery and Lord knows I enjoy sitting in bed on Sunday before church sipping tea and reading the book reviews they send with the paper. I reduced my landline phone service, don't use it anyway. I stopped my water delivery, sad about that one and ummm the list goes on.

So I'm trying to build this business and sales have been very low in the last few months. The two have not been in sic, Investment and Sales. Now I know that slumps happen, I just have to weather this storm.

Overwhelmed is not the word for me right now, with literally no eggs in the refrigerator and the headache from hell. 

Yet,  I'm also overwhelmed by the good things that are happening in my life because the bad things confuses the good things and place you in some weird kind of limbo.

Like I know I'm moving toward some kind of breakthrough with RLT Collection. In the last 16 months, minus the last few I've grown by leaps and bonds. My Instagram account is growing daily, thank God for the help I have running it daily.

I'm in the process of designing some pieces for Quad Webb-Launceford, from Bravo's Married To Medicine. Today I officially launch necklaces to my collections and I'm actually talking to a department store about a trunk show, which takes over a year or more sometimes to happen. So I know I'm on  the verge of a breakthrough, my HARD work will pay off, but when you have nothing to pay the bills in the right now, the blessings of tomorrow seems so out of reach.

How do you stay sane, long enough to receive your miracle, your blessing, your breakthrough? You remember that each day is a miracle, a break thought and a blessing. Most importantly, you keep living in your right now! It's not enough to be alive and muddle through life. When we only do that, we squander the gift of life.

Honestly, I do little things to find solace in the mist of chaos. I read for example. A good book takes my imagination and spirit to a new place. In the pages of a good book, I don't have to think about the headache that I currently feel. It doesn't cure me of my headache, but it cures me of the stress of the headache.

I take it one day at a time and like I said earlier, some days one hour. It's like this, one hour I read and then another hour I bead. Can't let all my hard work on RLT Collection go to hell with a headache.  I may not be able to do detail work on my bracelets, like wire wrapping or knotting, but I can put beads on stretch and that gets that bracelet one step closer to being finished.

I don't surrender to the darkness! The key to my life has been finding the balance that is rooted in both my hope for a better tomorrow, my faith that God has promised me better tomorrow's, patience and understanding that God's tomorrow is not on my time frame and the absolute understanding that I live in this life because in the face of light and darkness, today is the guarantee of God's blessing on your life.

How do I know, just do this simple thing right now, put your hand in front of your mouth, now blow. You feel the hot air? Awwww that's a blessing from God! The two sides of life has a way of overwhelming us in our right nows, but as long as you remember that there is a blessing in all things, you can go on with what you are facing in the right now. 

FLASH SALE TODAY!!! Click To Shop!

You Mad Cause Why? But You Knew He Was Married!

I heard her say, "I'm so stressed out." Yep, I was ear hustling in the gym about a month ago. I didn't  mean to, but she was talking so loud. Then she said,
"He's married!"

You know I really started listening then. Shoot I wanted to hate her with him. Girl bonding in the gym and I didn't even know her. She was so dramatic as she walked on the elliptical and talked to her friend on the phone.

"YES!"

"MARRIED! "She said. 

"Im so repulsed." She took a deep breath.

"I hate he ever touched me!" 

You know she had me by then. I was locked in, rock, stock and barrel. I started feeling sad for her. 

"That Bastard," I mumbled to myself. Why do men continue to play that stupid ass game? You want some choochiee other than your wife's that's between you and God, but at least be honest. Give a woman a choice. Let her know what she's giving her body, mind and spirit over too. Let her determine your worth for her. She kept talking and I kept right on listening.

"Yes!"
"His wife posted a picture of him on his Facebook page getting ready to have a procedure."

"I can't believe that!"

"His WIFE!"

"I'm soooo repulsed!"

I had to laugh, Facebook will spill the beans every time. I was feeling really sorry for this woman. Then it got COMPLICATED! I heard her say,
"I asked him if he was married?"

 Hummmm so I wondered immediately did she have a reason to think he might be married or was she just doing the standard check that I ask right out, 1) Are you married 2) Have you ever had sex with a man 3) When was the last time you were tested for HIV? Yep, those are my three and they should be yours too! It's called self-love and self-care! 

She knocked me out of my thoughts when she said
"I kept asking him, if he was married." 

Another red flag.
"Why would she kept having to ask him if he was married?" I though to myself. Once should have been enough!

So this really was COMPLICATED! I shifted in my thoughts from a woman bonding over a sorry ass men to Life Coach Rae! I tuned back to her conversation.

"He kept pursuing me and keep pursing me," she said all dramatically.

"OMG!"
 "Im so repulsed!" She hollered, then continued with the details.

"I asked him over and over about that ring on his finger." She hollered!

Ohhhhhh shit, so he was wearing a ring. Was she stuck on stupid? And you know I wanted to ask her to. But I just shook my head and kept right on listening. She was getting to the real story now. Truth always comes to the light.  Don't you know there is always a real story! Yep! She started in on the details.

"Yes," She continued, "He kept liking all my stuff on Facebook."

There we go with flirting on Facebook again. My thoughts started to wonder. Been there, done that and I'll NEVER do that one again as long as I'm Rae Clara Lewis-Thornton. FACT! Her loud voice brought me back to the right now.

"He said that the marriage was bad and that he was moving out and getting a divorce," she mumbled.

"Do men still really say that stupid shit?" I asked myself. Most importantly, do women still believe that stupid shit?

Now Life Coach Rae would have said, the moment you saw the ring was the moment you should have kept it moving.  He's married and even if he was getting a divorce, why would you want to be involved with someone who is still trying to close a door in another place?

 I've been there and believe me you don't even have a 1/4 of him and if there are children, you have even less. I've done it all and I am woman enough to speak out of my mistakes and my experiences. I share my growth so you can grow. Back to the story.

"Then he showed up one day without a ring," she explained to her friend on the other end.

"I asked him what happened to the ring?" 

Was she really that stuck on stupid?  You know I wanted to ask her, "Why didn't you leave him the fuck alone when you had a chance; before you gave him permission to touch you?" But I just sighed and continued to listen.

"He told me that he had moved out and that it was official," she told her friend.

"Yes," I heard her answering a question,
"I did ask him where he lived. And I was confused because I know that building and I know people who live there. But he assured me," she explained and then started venting again.

"OMG!"

 "I'm so repulsed!"
"I hate that I ever let him touch me!"
 "I don't want anything to do with him."
 "He just kept on pursuing me, just kept on!"
 "I hate him!"
"I hate him!" 

There I was.  I had come full circle in my bonding with this young woman somewhere between the age of 25-30. I wanted to take her to Starbucks and have a cup of tea, but there was nothing I could say to her on that day. She was not ready to hear the truth. She was not ready to accept her culpability in her pain on that day. 

The fact of the matter is that he was married and she knew it. He actually did tell her. It does not matter the story he created to explain his marriage away. The bottom line was, when she met him he was still living with his wife. That was her cue to walk away. Instead, she continued to play with fire and flirt with him on Facebook.

Then she had the nerve to say in her rage.

"His wife is never on Facebook."
"I can't believe she posted on his page."
I gave her the side eye from hell. Huh? That's her husband Facebook page. She has ALL the rights and privileges. She was letting his friends/ their friends know that he was getting ready to go into surgery. Why you mad?

" She must have felt something."
 So I commented on her post, just so he would KNOW that I KNOW that he's still married."
I wanted to say, "Baby you so confused."
The fact of the matter, she did KNOW that he was still married.  So now what was her point of disrespecting his wife? You mad cause why? You knew he was married!! 

So my question is, What is it about her, within her that she continued to flirt with this man that she knew was taken? Even if she believed that he was getting a divorce, when they met, he was still living at home with his wife. Why continue to flirt with him on Facebook. Whether she wants to accept it or not, she was disrespectful to his marriage and his wife with the continued back and fourth on Facebook. She was at fought before she ever had sex with him. She gave him permission to pursue her married.

The question is Why? What was going on in her head really? What justification did she give herself. Then, why would she even want him? He had unfinished business that would continue to altar their relationship. Why would she want to go in with this baggage?

Why didn't she just walk away and say, once you clean up your situation and is in a better place to give me all of you, look me up. What was her need that she allowed herself to go in deeper and deeper?

Even when his story wasn't adding up and she knew it wasn't adding, she continued to flirt with him. What was going on with her that she continued to pursue and be pursued? She continued to meet him for drinks and that eventually gave him permission to bed her.

I know for me, a man with attachments other than me, is not worth me because you can only have a part of him. Why should I give all of me and get a part of you? Now don't be confused, for you new comers to my blog, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. It took me a long time to get here. Like I said, I have done it all. It took me a long time to like me, then to love me, but I'm here now and there is no turing back. At the end of the day, I got to live with me and all of my actions; the things I do to myself and the thinks I allow to be done to me.

She has to deal with the fallout and face the truth. The truth that she knew all along, but justified it somewhere along the way.

For sure she has lost a part of herself that she can  never regain. That's the worst, when you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve to have that part of you.

Now don't be confused. Of course he has culpability in this, but he is who he is. He wanted to fuck and did everything that was necessary to do just that.

He was a jackass from day one! That goes without saying. But to often we women, me included walk away hurt without accepting any responsibility. It takes two to tango!

 At he end of the day, she should have kept it moving. Now she has to work through the emotional baggage that could have been avoided in the first beginning. For sure, until she accepts her own culpability, she will never really heal. She was mad and hurt that day. My heart went out to her, for her own foolishness.  

Monday Reflection: God Don't Always Give Neat Blessings!

"Your Misery is your Ministry," the young man Elijah said from the pulpit on Sunday. I shot straight up! "You better say that," I shouted at him. Elijah, the speaker for our youth day at my church is a member who has been living with Sickle Cell Anemia. Diagnosed at 2 months old, he walked us through his journey.  He has been in and out of the hospitals his entire life, but he never gave up.

Might I add, neither did his mother or grandmother. That's why children must have some God fearing, God loving, faithful adults in their life. Half of the problem I think today in the African-American community is that we are now creating generations of unchurched. I remember when grandmama, at least was going to make sure that child was covered in the blood. Today, we have some unchurched grandmothers, with young girls having babies younger and younger.

Elijah was surrounded by Christians and introduced to God right early. It was this foundation that undergirded his journey.  There were times when he was hospitalized two-three weeks at a time, home for a couple of weeks and then back in the hospital for another two-three weeks. His junior year he was hospitalized up to six weeks and still maintained a 3.1 GPA. Shoot, I was hospitalized for twenty-three days a few years back and I thought that I had lost my mind, if I thought at all. Study? Are you kidding me, with nurses waking you up all hours of the night.

He talked about how his life has been filled with misery and while he continues to persevere, he came to a place where he questioned God, "Why me? Why can't I be a normal child with a normal life?"

In time, he came to realize that his misery was indeed a blessing to others. His testimony could, would and did bless another person. He encouraged us to keep our faith!

You talking about setting me straight, I got right straight with my attitude, which has been some kinda funky. might I add in the last month. He reminded us that God doesn't always bless us in a neat package. Sometimes we live with misery and out of our faithfulness, God blesses us in our misery. I knew that all along, but Elijah certainly reminded me to move beyond myself and continue to be a blessing even when I feel like a mess, even when I am a mess. The bible says, "God's strength is made perfect in your weakness." Clearly young Elijah reminded me of just that on yesterday. 

He's headed to Morehouse College in the fall. In fact, he was accepted on early admissions and this was his first choice. He certainly has the spirit and demeanor of a Morehouse Man! I thought about him long and hard when I came home from church yesterday. That's why I'm up at 5:00 am, I couldn't sleep with this freshness that was given to me by this young man. He reminded me that God's history in our lives should be reassurance for our future. When I tell you I needed to hear this, I needed to hear this.

On Saturday I was at a funeral of a long time member of West Point, 68 years she was a member of our church. I sat there and for a moment I started to think about death, my death. I started to think about the hard work I'm putting into RLT Collection trying to make it a super success. For a tiny moment I asked myself these questions, Is it in vain? Will I die right on the edge of success? Will I see 55 and how much hardship will I continue to have on this journey? How much more can I take?

Elijah brought me right back to myself on Sunday! It doesn't matter when I die or how hard it is in my right now. Life is a gift from God! God has given us a life to live and flourish and thrive, not just for ourselves but for the life of others. Your suffering may be a gift to someone's else journey. It may be the thing that gives them reason to live. Someone tweeted me once, "A friend of mind said, that if you can go on so could she." That hit me hard. People watch for my tweets, wait for me to say that the tea kettle is on. If I can find a reason to live and go on so can they. I've been told that on many occasions. Sometimes I get stuck.

Well, on yesterday, young Elijah inspired me and I got unstuck. If he can go on to Morehouse and then to medical school as planned, with Sickle Cell that keeps him in and out of the hospital, I can also continue to go on. I'm getting back to my life. Thank you Elijah! Thank you for reminding me to remember my History with God. Surely no matter how difficult my days have been in the pass, God continues to hold me up. Even in my misery there has been some goodness.

I leave you with this. We expect God to bless us in a neat little package. But that's not how it works. Remember the three Hebrew Boys? We always talk about how God delivered them from the fiery furnace. But no one talks about the fact they they were in captive down in Babylon. You can search the Old Testament all day long and you will never find that they were delivered out of bondage. 

The bible says that God lifted them up in their bondage and made them leaders in that strange land. I think it is so awesome that in your weakness God can shine the brightest. You may not get a neat blessing; but for sure, if you remain faithful, God will give you everything you need to make it through your fire and if you get burned, God will give you an ointment to sooth the pain.

When Enough is Enough...

My last few weeks have been crazy, bizarre, difficult, did I say crazy? I was blind sided and it sent me over the cliff. For Real! The last time I wrote a blog I had declared war on my body fat. It took a minute but I got in a groove. I had made it to the gym up to 4 days a week.  I was back to a great routine, working on new bracelet designs, shipping out orders, working on the AIDS ministry at church. I was feeling good and feeling good about myself, then I got hit by a Mack truck. It seemed to all come tumbling down at the same time. I started to get nerve pain in my back. Then I started to feel wiped out and then I though I had an herpes outbreak. Well, it certainly looked like herpes to both me and my doctor.

You know then, it was time to go back on IV medication. I spent my birthday at the doctors, then came home to get the house ready to receive medical supplies and bags of IV medication.

Then Sophie woke up in pain. I rushed her to the vet and she had a decompressed disc. Then the nurse came to get me started on my IV medication and after 3 tries of accessing the port, she gave up. She said in 15 years she has never had a port this difficult to access. Then I had to got back to have the experts look at the port. It took a ton of ex-rays and eventually the attending to access the port

After messing around at the clinic then the hospital  for
8 hours in total, I came home to a very sick baby. I dropped my handbag on the floor and went straight to her pain medication. she was hurting and I was hurting and hurting even more that I had to spend the day at the hospital dealing with this damn port again. Oh, did I say that I had a complete and total melt down at the doctors office before they sent me over to hospital to look inside my port? Thank God for Deacon Erica who called right at the time of the meltdown, then came over to the medical professional building and went over to the hospital with me and stayed until I got registered, 

Sophie wouldn't walk pass the house. Most nights she was up and I was up with her. Nothing worse than a dog full of life being sick. Well, maybe her not being able to talk and tell me where she hurts. Those eyes of pain were a killer, for real.

Then I started IV medication and the side effects started to kick my ass. Then after a few days the port wouldn't flush so back to the hospital. Oh then the home health care nurse quit because she didn't want any liability for the port. So after going back to get the chef of the department to look at the port, which he did and got to work in like 30 seconds, my Infectious disease doctor took me off the IV medication because the herpes culture came back negative.

Now we are thinking that menopause is playing a jacked up game on my vagina! It's red and raw and itches and most days I want to cut it out and sit it on the side of the road.

Then Sophie, my bay girl, needed to go on new medication because week two and she still didn't want to walk. We were up most nights. Me trying to make her better and take care of me at the same time. Bracelet orders got backed up, my spirit began to crash.  Into week 3 and I had had enough. I shut down from the world. I've spent the last 3 days off social media, reading and not interacting with most of the world. I was trying to find the lost me. 

Then last night after 3 long weeks, when we got in bed, Sophie wanted to play with her toy. I of course didn't want to engage the world. Remember I'm still lost.  I just wanted to be sad. I mean she had been so sick. My vagina is still raw and red and my chest is still sore from all the poking; but Sophie insisted that we play with her pink uterus stuff toy.

It was as if Sophie had declared, enough is enough is enough. I got it! God spoke loud and clear through my little angel. So we are getting back to our normal routine. I'm up writing a blog, she's still getting her beauty rest. Which is a wonderful thing to see, because sleep hasn't come easy for her in the last 3 weeks. Bracelets orders will get filled and the gym is my plain sight. Will I get back to my normal over night? No... but if I don't start somewhere, normal will never have a chance.

You see, at the end of the day, there is always a morning. The question is, what will you do with your morning after the storm clears and your midnight has turn into day?

When we wake in the morning we are still a part of God's earthly plan. No matter what you are facing even when your morning feels like midnight, God still has a plan for your life.

The most awesome thing is in God's awesome love, we are blessed with the gift to say enough is enough, in our right now. We might not be able to change our situation in the right now, but you can change how you see your right now.