Drowning... Part 1

I'm drowning in the chaos of my life. It started back in February when I started this emotional eating and Cheetos was always in my right hand, going straight into my month. Now, in full disclosure, I took a moment a couple of months ago to examine what had gotten me so off  track and all roads led to a man that I wanted, but who didn't want a relationship. So I walked as hard and as fast as I could to a place where I could hold onto my dignity. For me it's simple. No matter how much I want a man, I never want to keep him at the cost of me. 

Even with HIV/AIDS I would much prefer to be alone then to be with a man who is half in/half out. My tail is to old to "kick it," unless I'm kicking a ball in CrossFit. 

Not only am I not going to waste my pretty, I'm never going to let a man suck the life out of me. That is, him getting what he wants, while I'm just hanging and hoping that I will get all of him as my reward. Women are good for that, sticking around with the hope and a prayer that staying on his terms will render us victoriously. Let me tell you, it will never happen. When a man tells you that he does not want a relationship he means it and it does not matter how wonderful you are or if you make his toes curl in bed. Furthermore, staying will not only suck the life out of you, but it will kill your spirit and topple your self-esteem.  

While I know that walking was the best thing for me, it sent me on a down spiral of emotional eating. I mean who wants to be alone? Especially after you have started to bond and was hopeful for a future. I got sick after him with one back to back illness that sent me overboard. You do remember those sleepless nights caused by uncontrollable hot flashes that lead to mood swings and sleep deprivation, while the doctors tried to figure out the best combination of Hormone Replacement Therapy and HIV medication. After that, the health issues just kept coming. I had a bad case of HIV Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and legs. Then I had a cold that turned into bronchitis and after that I pulled a muscle in my back and even breathing hurt. Then to pour salt in my wounds, I had a herpes outbreak that landed me back on IV medication. I was sinking, but fighting to hold my head above the water. 

With the death of Sophie I lost all control and started to  drown. I couldn't seem to keep my head above water no mater how hard I tried. Nothing seemed to be going in my favor and I took an emotional tumble. I was drowning and no matter how hard I fought, the depression kept coming and coming and coming. Eating became my enemy disguised as my best friend. I went from Cheetos to Flamin Hots mixed with Doritos and a Snickers on the side, and of course a cupcake or two. The three weeks following Sophie's death, all my healthy living died right along with her. 

When I made it to BlogHer last week I got off the plane in San Jose on the hunt for food - good comfort food. I had onion rings and beef brisket and burgers and fried chicken and hand cut french fires and milk shakes. I ate the danishes at the conference each morning instead of the fruit.  For real, my plate was filled with bacon and sweet rolls every morning with tea on the side.  I knew that I was drowning, but I couldn't seem to gather the strength to save myself. 

Now the best, and worst of it all, was this little bakery I found in the San Jose's Public Market, Chocatoo.  Chocoatoo has the best freaking cookies that I have ever eaten in life. I'm not sure which was my favorite. There was the chocolate S'mores rich with graham crackers, marshmallows and big dark chocolate chips. 

Then there was the basic chocolate chip with dark and milk chocolate but my God, that Reese's Peanut Butter with large chunks of Reese's and milk chocolate made my taste buds do a dance. I had 3 of these large cookies  a day, yes I said 3, 1-2-3. It was over the top, but it sure seemed to ease the pain. I knew that I was out of control but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I kept trying to come up for air but the waves kept pulling me back in. 

By Friday, I had been to Chocotoo twice  for a total of 6 cookies. That should have been my limit but when my girlfriend Dwana arrived to San Jose,  I had to introduce her to the best cookies ever. That day I got 2 Reees's and 1 S'mores. I should have stopped there, but following Dwana's lead, I got the homemade marshmallow S'mores. This delight was 4 inches of homemade marshmallow between two graham crackers dipped in dark chocolate, with caramelized bacon on top. 

I had eaten a cookie by the time we arrived back to the hotel. Once we arrived,  I got me a fresh cup of hot tea and dived into the homemade S'mores.  It was divine!! 

That left me with two cookies and I was straight out of control. It's crazy when you can see yourself in deep water but can't seem to pull yourself to the top.  After the MultiCulti party 
that night I came back to my room, made another cup of tea and had my last two cookies ... well all but a ¼ of the Reese's.  It was then time for sleep. 

I need to pause and say my food for that entire day consisted of; bacon and sweet rolls for breakfast, roast beef sandwich and salad for lunch with a fruit tart for dessert. Then Dwana and I had a meal at local restaurant a local couple hours after lunch, where I had homemade onion rings and beef brisket. That was a lot of food, then we must add the 2 and 3/4 large cookies and a 4 inch high S'mores.

Missing Sophie, I curled into a tight ball hugging the pillow to let sleep take me away from my misery. I closed my eyes and nausea swept over me.  It jolted me out of my semi-sleep. The nausea consumed my body and right to my very core, my soul. It was as if the universe was saying, "that's enough Rae that's enough." Tears started to flow. I knew that I had to make a change. Sophie is not coming back, that man is long gone and my health hangs in the balance by what I do and don't do. 

"Oh God, "I cried out. "Help me! God Help me!"

Drowning Part II

Fashion Loves Art!

Last week I done something that I have never done before. Yep, I got up extra early, with no make-up on my face, not even lipstick and with a  scarf on my head no less, to wait in line to get a handbag. Now you all know that I love fashion and I especially love handbags. I think a girl can never have to many handbags and thats for real. But I have never been a crazy woman standing in line to buy anything.

Well, let me give you the tea, as the young people say; that means the scoop. LOL. The British store H and M collaborated with American artist and sculptor Jeff Koons to create a handbag displaying Jeff Koons art.  I love Jeff Koons work.

He is most known for his large, eye catching sculptures of ballon animals. In November 2013 one of his ballon poodles sold for a $58.4 million dollars at Christie's Auction House, making it the  most expensive piece of art sold by a living artist. I love the ballon sculptures, I also love some of his other work, like the sculpture of Michael Jackson with his monkey, Bubbles.

Ballon Art

While I love his poodle ballon art, I adore his sculpture of the apricot poodle. It  captures the very essence of every poodle and thats just some of his work. His ability to capture images on a large scale is remarkable. Now,  I bet you think that the only reason I like Jeff Koons is because of  has poodle art and my love for poodles. I would be lying if I tell you that getting this handbag was not in some way a tribute to my dear Sophie. It was actually a cathartic moment, but it was not my only reason.

It's not to well known, but I collect art. I started collecting right after I made a transition to AIDS twenty-one years ago. I had just moved into my own apartment, prior to that I shared a house with a couple of people and I wanted to create my own space; a place of peace, comfort and solitude. Over the last 21 years I have acquired original pantings, sculptures and pottery. My art is my safe place and provides a peaceful energy in my home. Art gives me life, as I fight for my life.

I remember when I went to South Africa with Sheryl Lee Ralph, the other woman in the delegation went power shopping and I went to art galleries hunting for work by South African artist. I don't know if I could live without art in my life. It's difficult to explain what art means to me. It speaks its own language and if chosen wisely it will speak to your soul.

For me, wanting the Jeff Koons handbag was both my love of poodles and my love of art. When I arrived to H and M, I was shock to find only two people in line, me and a woman named Elizabeth.  She, like me have a love for art and she actually works in the art arena. I was happy and sad all at the same time that the line was so short. It spoke volumes to me about the modern day appreciation for art and artist, verses fashion designers. In recent history, when stores like H and M have collaborated with big name clothing designers like Lavin the lines were around the corner. People actually camped out and H and M were sold out by mid-day. I think if the handbag was a big name designer, rather than an big name artist, it would not have mattered what was on front of the bag, it would have been in high demand.

Well, I tip my scarf off to H and M for going a different route this time around! Jeff Koons was a great choice and this Diva approves! By the way, I don't know if they are sold out nation wide, but I know that the H and M Chicago, Michigan Ave store still have some bags. The bag is made of leather and it actually has some depth, making it a great cross shoulder handbag. The bag goes for $49 bucks, not bad for a leather handbag that will one day be a collectors item. The only thing better than one of these bags for me would have been to have it signed by Jeff Koons; but then I would never carry it. LOL. By the way, there is already a signed bag on Ebay for $500. I guess someone understands the value of art and the artist.

Jeff Koons and his Ballon Poodle

Blogging For Social Change!

Today I'm headed to the BlogHer 2014 conference in San Jose, California. I'm so honored to have been asked for the second time in a row to speak at this prestigious bloggers conference. Last year I was the closing keynote speaker for the Healthminder Day. This year I was asked to be a Path Leader for Pathfinder. Pathfinder day is an all day intensive, the day before the conference officially opens on Friday.

Bloggers who attend Pathfinder day are interested in taking there blogging to the next level. This is an intensive day with five different paths of learning. The paths are, media company, change agent, businesses owner, published author and visual artist.

BlogHer has partnered me with Dannielle Owens-Reid co-founder of Everyone is Gay an award -winning LGBTQ youth organization to co-lead the path as Change Agent. Our goal is to help bloggers refine and focus their blogging for social change.  Dannielle and I have planned an awesome day for our Pathfinders; from understanding the importance of ones story, to monetizing ones blog and blogging for  purpose even if the money never comes.

I am excited about Pathfinder day and helping bloggers but I'm also excited about the other workshops and sharing  and comparing  notes with other bloggers for 3 days. This year I am planning to attend quite a few workshops myself. With over a million views to my blog, not counting all the people who read my blog through one of the 4 syndications, I am ready to take Diva Living With AIDS to the next level in every way possible.

Blogging has changed the way that I educate around HIV/AIDS. I took a leap of faith and people listened to my heart in every single stoke of the key board.  I understand that no one has to come to Diva Living With AIDS, but you do. I'm taking your support with a  heart of gratitude  and I'm using it as a force of light to make this blog even better than it's best. Expect to see me blogging more often than not.

Over all, I am extra excited about BlogHer 2014 and all that it brings. I'm especially excited to hear the keynote speakers Kerry Washington and Arianna Huffington, the founder of Huffington Post and other heavy hitters.

In the backdrop of all the health problems I've had of late and the death of Sophie, getting away will be a time of renewal and recommitment. Of course I will share the most important and interesting with you in the days to follow... Wish me safe travels.

Tackling Grief...

Grief is a monster! I'm learning that it also sticks to you like Gorilla glue. Honestly, these last three weeks dealing with the lost of Sophie has been new territory for me. I've never felt this level of sorrow for anything even when I lost my first two dogs. When Imani died I was sad and I cried a lot, but it didn't effect my bottom line. She had lived 12 years and while I was very sad, I was not overwhelmed. I had also done everything possible for her lung disease and was at peace with that fact. Of course I still had Nambi, who was Imani's baby and she was my constant companion. I had Nambi for 16 years. She and Sophie overlapped for almost four years. When I put Nambi down, I felt like she had lived a long and good life. I blogged about Nambi when I first started. You can read it here.

Imani and Nambi

When I put Nambi down there was Sophie, who was full of life and demanding.  She was not having it; not too many sad moments in my house. Sophie even knew the difference from when I was actually sick, verses those days filled with depression. On those days, she insisted that we get out of bed. Her mission in life seemed to make sure that I lived in my life. She accomplished her mission. There was never a dull moment in my house with Sophie.

Sophie Demanding Attention!

Maybe that's why losing her has taken me for a loop. She was the life of the party each and every day. I'm sure loosing her unexpectedly and at a mid age has also impacted my grief level. The average  Poodle lives 12-15 years. Maybe my grief is also impacted by the fact this is the first time that I have been without a dog in 21 years.

What I know for sure is that my grief is all consuming. Even with the lost of my mothers, both of them, I didn't feel this kind of sadness. I remember my friend, recording artist, Teresa Griffin telling me that she cried more over  the death of  her little Pomeranian Poppy, then her father and she loved her father dearly.

I know some people want me to move on, but its not so simple. While there's no easy way to deal with grief, I'm learning to tackle it head on.

For sure avoiding it or pretending that you are not hurting will only send you into a deeper depression. Right now my depression is what my doctor calls "situational depression," but if I don't deal with it in a healthy manner, it could become long term.

It's no secret that I have dealt with depression living with HIV/AIDS. However prior to Sophie, I was doing well. In fact, a few months ago my doctor and I decided for me to take a  break from anti-depressants, to give my body a break. For sure less drugs are always better. But that first week I lost Sophie, I  was popping valium just to sleep. I knew that had to stop, so I switched to an antidepressant that would help me sleep with the advice of my doctor

I'm also an emotional eater and the last two weeks I have eaten more comfort food then I had in the last 6 months. The end result has been weight gain, but I had to decide which battle I could fight effectivity, so I'm going with the flow.

 It was way to much pressure forcing myself to eat "clean" and deal with the grief at the same time. I took the pressure off before it sent me into self- loathing and a deeper depression. I'm finding that with the pressure off, I tend to have a tad more balance. I'm living in the now. I don't punish myself if I don't have the balance, I just start with each new meal or snack and accept that which is. In time, I'm sure that healthy choices will become my norm again. The thing about me is that I never seem to let one thing control my life forever. I tend to regain control in time. Going with the flow is the theme of the hour, even with activities.  If I feel like it, I do it, if I don't, then I don't. Nothing is forced. I wait until my heart is in it before I do it. Added pressure leads to added depression. I want to get through this, not stay in it, so I'm using the methods that work best for me. There is no one way to tackle grief I think we all have to do what feels right.

Working out is also helping my mood swings. I find that the days  I do Crossfit, I tend to be less sad. I know working out does increase your serotonin. After the BlogHer Conference this week, I'm hoping to get back to five days a week.

One of the most cathartic things I've done is to turn Sophie's Instagram account into a memorial page. I go there and post  pictures and while there is an element of sadness to it, it also reminds me how special she was and how much joy she brought to my life and that always makes me smile. Equally importantly, it keeps me grounded, looking at her pictures and remembering in this way, reminds me that it is for sure better to have had her, then to not have had her at all.  It also reminds me that she was such a happy dog and to have her suffer would have been worst than her death for both of us.

I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to get to a better place and I'm not putting pressure on nor am I allowing others to put pressure on me.  If someone is tired of me talking about her then don't talk to me. Tried of me posting about her and my feeling about losing her on Social Media then unfollow me. Don't make me hide my emotions because you don't understand, care, or its depressing. Wonder how I feel to be the one experiencing the lost.

It is what it is. I miss Sophie terribly so and I'm giving myself the time. This grief that I'm feeling will go away in time. I will always miss her but the hurt I'm sure will soften in time. For sure, I'm not totally stuck anymore. I can see improvement from that first week I put her down when I didn't even wash my body or a dish. Three weeks in, I am back to work, blogging, working on RLT Collection trying to get my site up to date and preparing for BlogHer 2014, I think that is progress. The one thing that I don't intend to do is fill my life up with activity as a well to avoid the pain. I'm allowing my grief to go through a natural process on it's own terms so that I can emerge a better person to have experience this lost. They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger.

Losing Sophie..

Two weeks ago today I stopped living after I put my baby girl Sophie down. Like for real, for real. Honest to God, I have never felt grief on this magnitude. While I still had breath in my body, my life stood still. Sophie was a special dog that left a foot print on everyone she encountered. For a moment I didn't think that I could go on. The grief was all consuming but like with most things in my life,  I kept going in spite of the pain. So here I am, still missing my baby girl and adjusting to life without her. 

The last time I blogged was to tell you that Sophie had Liver Cancer. I thought that I had a week to find a solution but Sophie took a turn for the worst that night within hours of posting that blog. She didn't want to eat or walk and her breathing became erratic. I felt so helpless as the night progressed. The only thing I knew to do was to be as close to her as I could. She didn't want to sleep in the bed, so I made a pallet on the hardwood floor next to the big chair in my living room that she laid under. It was one of the longest nights of my life. She was restless and breathless. Every time she moved, I moved. When she got water I watched her until she was back under the chair resting. A few times she laid under my arms and then on the pallet, but mostly under the chair was her comfort zone. 

By day break with almost no sleep Sophie was struggling just to breath. My baby girl was slipping before my eyes and I didn't know how to save her. It's still hard to believe that less than a week before this day, she was barking for bacon. Determined to make the plan Dr. Gill and I agreed on work, Tiara held Sophie in her lap as I gave her each medication. She looked up with sad eyes, "No mommie I don't want it," but it was all I could think to do. 

In the two hours waiting on the animal clinic to open I prayed for a miracle as Sophie precious eyes cried, "help me Mommie, help me." I was asking for God's help and she was asking for my help.  When I finally reached Dr. Gill and filled her in on the night, I was still hoping for a solution; a way to help my baby girl. After I finished, Dr. Gill said, "You know there are only two choices and I'm not sure that she can make it through surgery.  "I know, I know" I said defeated and filled with anogny, with my baby girl next to me looking up at me, "Help me Mommie, help me." There was a pause, "Are you ready?" Dr Gill asked. Through my tears came, "yes."

Tiara and I rode in silence to the clinic while baby girl laid in my arms trying her best to catch her breath. "I'm sorry baby girl, Mommie loves you," I whispered to her. Once we arrived, Tiara and I took pictures with Sophie before I handed her to Dr. Gill to place the catheter. 

She was in so much distress, Dr. Gill looked at her, "That baby can't get her breath," she said to Sophie. Tiara stood in the corner tears flowing.  I stood over sophie lying on the table still trying to get her breath. I was so overwhelmed with grief. "Thank you Sophie for eight wonderful years," I whispered to her, "Mommie will always love you." 

Watching my baby girl die was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but yet at the same time I knew it was the best thing, most human thing. It was the last good thing that I could do for her.  

Sophie Barking For Bacon 5 Days before I put her to rest.. Her BFF Kennedy was just hanging in the cut waiting... LOL... She barked for bacon ever morning I cooked... She barked for a treat each time I had a meal, it was our routine. She was so full of life the entire 8 years she was with me. I'm  glad that her suffering was not long, but I'm sad she had to go. I miss her dearly...

Rest In Peace Sophie....

#RIP Rest In Peace  my precious baby girl... Sophie Lewis-Thornton. April 12, 2006-July 1, 2014. You were a wonderful companion.. I miss you dearly.. Mommie...